"If I Could Be..."

I got tagged with the "If I Could Be..." meme by moehawk a couple of weeks ago. "Tagged"? "Meme"? "moehawk"? What kind of hellish nightmare is this? Anyway, far be it from me to ignore my responsibilities, so....

• If I could be a lawyer... I'd be recruited by a prestigous law firm who turn out to be in bed with the mob/ stumble upon a huge mass tort case, make millions and then be indicted for insider trading and sued by my clients/ open my own firm with a hard-working but extremely ugly paralegal as the Robin to my Batman, fall for a woman with an abusive husband and sue an insurance company for billions. Hell, anything to get John Grisham to write about me. It's crap... but it's entertaining crap.



• If I could be a linguist... I'd challenge Noam Chomsky to an all-linguist Death Match. I think I could take him. I really, really do.



• If I could be a psychologist... I'd finally figure out why every night I dream I'm being chased down the street by my Mother - but she doesn't look like my Mother: she looks like Adolph Hitler in a bright pink Superman costume carrying a bag of donuts and a short length of wood.



• If I could be an architect... I'd travel back in time to the year my Dad designed the building I studied in at university, slap him hard in the face and demand to know why, of all the materials he could have used, he chose to use ridiculously ugly brown glass. Wait - architects can time travel, right?



• If I could be a writer... I'd have a hell of a lot more readers than I get tossing out this tepid pap every few days.

I'm supposed to tag a few bloggers with the meme, but as I'm famed for my sloth I'll just generally tag the blogosphere. Feel free to consider yourselves all officially tagged. It's time for my tea.