Bits and Pieces

Friday, January 21, 2005

And Take Your Bell-Bottoms, Too

Jay Tea at Wizbang counteracted the effects of 'Not One Red Cent' Day (also known, for some reason, as 'Not One Damn Dime' Day), by needlessly spending $200 on coffee and RAM, along with some of his commenters. Call it $1000 extra expenditure from the Wizbang readers and that should just about offset the drop in sales in pachouli and lava lamps.

I hopped into the DeLorean and went ahead to April 24th, 2005, where I watched a local news broadcast. Here's the transcript.

"Democrats yesterday were astounded at the response to 'Get The Hell Out, Bitter Ungrateful Pinko' Day, celebrated by Republicans across America to coincide with the 51st birthday of filmmaker Michael Moore.

'Get The Hell Out' Day was initially intended as the response to 'Not One Red Cent' Day of January 20th 2005, during which Americans opposed to the war in Iraq, the broader policies of the Bush administration and bathing boycotted stores over Inauguration Day. However, the spirit and drive of Republicans allowed 'Get The Hell Out' Day to far overshoot initial expectations. While 'Not One Red Cent' Day had little effect other than to cause a dip in sales of patchouli and dreamcatchers, 'Get The Hell Out' Day had a devestating effect on Democrats in the States.

Activities planned for 'Get The Hell Out' Day had been in the works since late 2004, when Republican operative Berns Rothchild, 35, integrated mass-produced homing beacons into a range of blue bracelets specially designed to appeal to naive Democrats. The scheme, secretly funded by the GOP, ensured that by April 2005 the majority of shrill Democrats could be accurately tracked and studied. Researchers at MIT used 17 high-powered supercomputers to build an intricate map of the United States, highlighting population centres and migration routes of Democrats.

Once the framework was set, the rest was child's play. Bracelet owners were approached and given a simple choice: shut up, or get out. Each Democrat was handed a free plane ticket to Frnace, China or a custom built communist compound in northern Alaska. They were then given 5 minutes to make their choice: either apologise for countless years of whining and promise to shut the hell up, or accept the ticket and get the hell out.

Early exit poll data shows that around 98% of those questioned immediately chose to apologise, with a 2% margin of error.

In addition to the primary program, several secondary programs were implemented. Various citizens, such as high-profile celebrities and several prominent politicians, were not given the option of apologising. Working on the '3-strikes and you're out' approach, the offenses of these personalities - promises to leave the country if Bush was re-elected, for example - were judged to be too serious to allow them to retain citizenship. These offenders were shipped directly to China, where they will be free to enjoy all the benefits of communism.

Finally, all stores that displayed Kerry-Edwards signs and stickers in their windows in the approach to the election were boycotted by Republicans - a policy enforced by deployment of the National Guard to store entrances accross America.

And so, on 'Get The Hell Out, Bitter Ungrateful Pinko' Day, Democrats didn't get one red cent.

And now, here's Chet with the weather."
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