Bits and Pieces

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The 155th Carnival of the Vanities

Welcome to the 155th Carnival of the Vanities, the clearing house for the best writing in the blogosphere. Or, you know, a collection of links to the most awful, poorly scrawled, bigheaded tat on the planet. Depends on the week, really. Fortunately, this week has produced some real gems.

I'm sure this has already been done at some point in the illustrious past of this carnival, but I will be presenting each entry this week as a haiku, the Japanese form of poetry consisting of three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. And, to be sure, they are the most shoddy haiku you ever did read. Before you judge me too harshly, though, I only ask that you sit down and try to write 50 haiku about fucking New Orleans, a lot of water and a bunch of black people swiping plasma screen TVs. Anyway, this weeks entries are presented, in the main, in the order by which I received them. Enjoy the bloggy goodness...

(Update) David Giacalone correctly points out that these aren't genuine haiku but rather verse in the 5-7-5 syllable form that we unsophisticated westerners often call haiku. You can find a helpful resource including the criteria for haiku here. Here, though, is my rebuttal (or refutation, or repudiation. These word things were never my strong suit. I like to feel the soil). Have you ever tried writing a haiku about looting of electrical goods in the present tense and including a reference to the seasons whilst at the same time creating a sense of harmony and contrast? I can barely dress myself at the best of times. And at least I didn't call the plural haikus :)

Also, while I'm here, I'd like to point out the ad box to your immediate right. I feel bad when people pay for ad space and then I stumble off and quit blogging for months. Eight Foot Llama is a small enterprise in the business of reasonably priced novelty games such as the Nacho Incident and the Penguin Ultimatum. Please consider them for your next event involving friends with strange senses of humour. Also, you can strike a blow to the heart of Toys 'R' Us and their oh-so-droll letter reversals. Viva small business!

And another thing... after waiting patiently for over two years for an Instalanche I finally get one - and it's not even a dedicated post. I swear Glenn has something against me. Maybe he fears my eloquence. Perhaps not.

And finally, I have fixed 3 broken links that directed you to a Hotmail error page instead of the intended post. Corrected. If anyone finds any more stuff wrong please leave a note in the comments or email me. Cheers.

Doctor Hartline writes
Of Man's tendency to sin
And God owns our stuff

The librarians
Steal umbrellas, the bastards
Baby Jesus weeps

Iran could get bomb
We'd be screwed good and proper
Grow some bomb proof skin

Dump the Big Easy
What about Mardi Gras, though?
We need to see boobs

Some news for grownups
Very clever. I prefer
The funny pages

Get a better job
No more orders from teen boss
The spotty fucker

Look at the gorilla
He's been eyeing up my girl
Wouldn't mess with him

Stuck in stadia
With thousands of sweaty men
So what else is new?

One dollar coins have
Ugly chicks on them. But nude
Ladies may help them

Poetic prose on
Katrina. Nice photos, too
Is that a dead guy?

Melson talks about
Appraisals for mortgages
I'll die a renter

Eating corpses after
Only days? They must have been
Quite peckish, really

Folks blame Bush a lot
He caused death, they say. Maybe
Weather was involved

Lots of money saved
On cable bill. That would buy
A lot of hookers

Looting in the South
People are hungry, I guess
Mmmmm, widescreen TVs

Bring in the Army
To take care of the people
They have real cool guns

Bush the scapegoat
He gets blamed for everything
Some of it's God's fault

So the New York Times
Talks bollocks. Who'd have thunk it?
Monkeys are smarter

Start a business blog
Earn lots of money, you will
And the chicks are hot

You can build traffic
You could host a carnival
You'll get at least five

What would happen, then
if we call them hot ladies?
I'd give them more help

Evil extremists
Knuckle dragging troglodytes
Sound like the DU

Bourbon Street is filled
A thousand saxophonists
Floating in the road

Bush is hurricane
The windy little bastard
Best impeach him now

Never heard of him
This Richard Landes fellow
Entertaining, though

What a crazy site
That is a very sexy
Vegetable, though

The satire runs thick
When a teen boy steals a bus
But forgets the bribe

I just learned today
The plural of premiums
Is premia. Cool

I always get caught
At the metal detectors
Cause I'm magnetic

These guys sound just like
The people at my Nan's church
Crazy one and all

Bush and the Lord God
In cahoots against Sheehan
And the damn Jews, too

Form a partnership
Get Reggie Jackson on board
And you're good to go

That thing in the pic
Looks like a big hairdryer
For a massive head

So mould can kill you?
Here I've been worried about
Flooding and stuff. Shit

The flamboyant ones
Remind me of Will and Grace
That annoying guy

God also gave me
A wicked case of herpes
Or was it hookers?

Give me some food stamps
I earn a fucking pittance
Thank you very much

Babies don't feel pain
I just punched a two year old
Didn't even flinch

Pundits are saying
Bring me the head of the Head
Or blame the police

The aid lottery
Cutting cheques to the victims
The mooching bastards

Give me the contract
To rebuild the Big Easy
I'll make it nuder

Looting in NO
Was it the fault of the Blacks
Dunno. You decide

Don't know what grits are
We Brits eat regular food
Like, er, blood pudding

It's the FEMA rap
Saving lives and humping ho's
I love these bitches

Lefties blame the Bush
We were screwed from the word go
Nice use of fonts, Bob

Black people loot while
White people find. works for me
I'm going 'finding'

Violence in DC
It's probably Clinton's fault
The laid back bastard

Don't demolish it
Send it to me, so I can
Use it as a bowl

Stop throwing the blame
We can all agree, I think
It's Carrot Top's fault

Next week we will be returning to House Hraka to celebrate the 3 year anniversary of the Carnival. In the meantime, you can probably entertain yourself.
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