The Top 10 Signs That Christmas Is Approaching

10. The power dims momentarily as Cliff Richard is resurrected to record a new Christmas album.

9. Ditto Dick Clark for Times Square.

8. There's talk in Houston of the coldest winter on record as the temperature plunges below 80 degrees.

7. Canadians strip to their pasty white skin as it tops 40.

6. Supporters of electric cars go silent as batteries freeze across the nation. Thousands of pale commuters are left at the side of the road as SUV's sail by.

5. And they realise that a breakfast of vegetarian sausages just doesn't provide the energy to fend off hypothermia.

4. Another hymn becomes taboo because it contains a verse that might relate to - gasp! - Jesus.

3. The Catholic Church is hit by scandal as several priests implement a kids sleepover style to the Midnight Mass.

2. It's A Wonderful Life plays at least once on every channel. There's probably a law, or something.

And the number 1 sign that Christmas is approaching...

1. Michael Moore is beaten up. OK, this one isn't so much a sign of winter as much of an inevitability regardless of season.