Welcome to the 155th Carnival of the Vanities, the clearing house for the best writing in the blogosphere. Or, you know, a collection of links to the most awful, poorly scrawled, bigheaded tat on the planet. Depends on the week, really. Fortunately, this week has produced some real gems.
I'm sure this has already been done at some point in the illustrious past of this carnival, but I will be presenting each entry this week as a haiku, the Japanese form of poetry consisting of three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. And, to be sure, they are the most shoddy haiku you ever did read. Before you judge me too harshly, though, I only ask that you sit down and try to write 50 haiku about fucking New Orleans, a lot of water and a bunch of black people swiping plasma screen TVs. Anyway, this weeks entries are presented, in the main, in the order by which I received them. Enjoy the bloggy goodness...
(
Update) David Giacalone correctly points out that these aren't genuine haiku but rather verse in the 5-7-5 syllable form that we unsophisticated westerners often call haiku. You can find a helpful resource including the criteria for haiku
here. Here, though, is my rebuttal (or refutation, or repudiation. These word things were never my strong suit. I like to feel the soil). Have you ever tried writing a haiku about looting of electrical goods in the present tense and including a reference to the seasons whilst at the same time creating a sense of harmony and contrast? I can barely dress myself at the best of times. And at least I didn't call the plural haikus :)
Also, while I'm here, I'd like to point out the ad box to your immediate right. I feel bad when people pay for ad space and then I stumble off and quit blogging for months.
Eight Foot Llama is a small enterprise in the business of reasonably priced novelty games such as the Nacho Incident and the Penguin Ultimatum. Please consider them for your next event involving friends with strange senses of humour. Also, you can strike a blow to the heart of Toys 'R' Us and their oh-so-droll letter reversals. Viva small business!
And another thing... after waiting patiently for over two years for an Instalanche I finally get one - and it's not even a
dedicated post. I swear Glenn has something against me. Maybe he fears my eloquence. Perhaps not.
And finally, I have fixed 3 broken links that directed you to a Hotmail error page instead of the intended post. Corrected. If anyone finds any more stuff wrong please leave a note in the comments or email me. Cheers.
Doctor Hartline writesOf Man's tendency to sin
And God owns our stuff
The librariansSteal umbrellas, the bastards
Baby Jesus weeps
Iran could get bombWe'd be screwed good and proper
Grow some bomb proof skin
Dump the Big EasyWhat about Mardi Gras, though?
We need to see boobs
Some news for grownupsVery clever. I prefer
The funny pages
Get a better jobNo more orders from teen boss
The spotty fucker
Look at the gorillaHe's been eyeing up my girl
Wouldn't mess with him
Stuck in stadiaWith thousands of sweaty men
So what else is new?
One dollar coins haveUgly chicks on them. But nude
Ladies may help them
Poetic prose onKatrina. Nice photos, too
Is that a dead guy?
Melson talks aboutAppraisals for mortgages
I'll die a renter
Eating corpses afterOnly days? They must have been
Quite peckish, really
Folks blame Bush a lotHe caused death, they say. Maybe
Weather was involved
Lots of money savedOn cable bill. That would buy
A lot of hookers
Looting in the SouthPeople are hungry, I guess
Mmmmm, widescreen TVs
Bring in the ArmyTo take care of the people
They have real cool guns
Bush the scapegoatHe gets blamed for everything
Some of it's God's fault
So the New York TimesTalks bollocks. Who'd have thunk it?
Monkeys are smarter
Start a business blogEarn lots of money, you will
And the chicks are hot
You can build trafficYou could host a carnival
You'll get at least five
What would happen, thenif we call them hot ladies?
I'd give them more help
Evil extremistsKnuckle dragging troglodytes
Sound like the DU
Bourbon Street is filledA thousand saxophonists
Floating in the road
Bush is hurricaneThe windy little bastard
Best impeach him now
Never heard of himThis Richard Landes fellow
Entertaining, though
What a crazy siteThat is a very sexy
Vegetable, though
The satire runs thickWhen a teen boy steals a bus
But forgets the bribe
I just learned todayThe plural of premiums
Is premia. Cool
I always get caughtAt the metal detectors
Cause I'm magnetic
These guys sound just likeThe people at my Nan's church
Crazy one and all
Bush and the Lord GodIn cahoots against Sheehan
And the damn Jews, too
Form a partnershipGet Reggie Jackson on board
And you're good to go
That thing in the picLooks like a big hairdryer
For a massive head
So mould can kill you?Here I've been worried about
Flooding and stuff. Shit
The flamboyant onesRemind me of Will and Grace
That annoying guy
God also gave me
A wicked case of herpes
Or was it hookers?
Give me some food stampsI earn a fucking pittance
Thank you very much
Babies don't feel painI just punched a two year old
Didn't even flinch
Pundits are sayingBring me the head of the Head
Or blame the police
The aid lotteryCutting cheques to the victims
The mooching bastards
Give me the contractTo rebuild the Big Easy
I'll make it nuder
Looting in NOWas it the fault of the Blacks
Dunno. You decide
Don't know what grits areWe Brits eat regular food
Like, er, blood pudding
It's the FEMA rapSaving lives and humping ho's
I love these bitches
Lefties blame the BushWe were screwed from the word go
Nice use of fonts, Bob
Black people loot whileWhite people find. works for me
I'm going 'finding'
Violence in DCIt's probably Clinton's fault
The laid back bastard
Don't demolish itSend it to me, so I can
Use it as a bowl
Stop throwing the blameWe can all agree, I think
It's Carrot Top's fault
Next week we will be returning to House Hraka to celebrate the 3 year anniversary of the Carnival. In the meantime, you can probably entertain yourself.